Are You Lonely?
- profenglishconvo
- Dec 22, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Dec 26, 2024
Loneliness in the Modern Age: If We’re More Connected, Why Do We Feel So Alone?
In an era where the world is more connected than ever, the paradox of loneliness is striking. Social media, video calls, and instant messaging were meant to bring us closer, yet millions report feeling isolated and disconnected.
How can a world so interconnected leave us feeling so alone? The answer lies in understanding the subtle ways technology, culture, and fear intersect to create an epidemic of loneliness.
As a social psychologist, this topic interests me immensely, so I would like to share my thoughts about loneliness (its causes, manifestations and ways to combat it) in the paragraphs below.
The Epidemic of Loneliness
U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has called loneliness a public health crisis. Its effects are devastating, linked to heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and even premature death—comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Studies show loneliness can increase the risk of early death by 26%, a statistic that underscores its severity.
Despite the prevalence of online interactions, people are turning to YouTube and TikTok to share their struggles, crying out about their inability to make friends or connect deeply with others. This raises a pressing question: Could loneliness not only diminish our quality of life but also shorten it?
The Rise of Loneliness: A Brief History
Loneliness didn’t appear overnight. Its seeds were sown in the 1960s and 1970s, as societies shifted from community-focused living to prioritizing individualism. This era saw the rise of suburbanization, declining participation in religious and civic organizations, and a growing emphasis on personal success over collective well-being.
At the same time, innovations like television, personal music devices, video games, and eventually the iPhone made solitary activities increasingly attractive. These technologies, while revolutionary, have inadvertently steered us away from communal engagement and we became almost obsessively focused on our own individual needs, desires...and fears.
We go to fewer parties, invite others into our homes less often, and meet friends at cafes much less frequently. Instead, we prefer spending free time alone in our rooms, scrolling through endless feeds—a habit that experts warn is taking a toll on our mental and physical health.
Loneliness and Fear: Dr. Jeremy Leon’s Theory
At its core, loneliness is deeply rooted in fear. In my opinion, these are some of the major fears that lead to chronic loneliness:
Fear of rejection
Fear of being judged
Fear of not meeting others’ expectations
Fear of physical aloneness
Fear of the unknown
The cruel irony of these fears is that they are often unfounded—merely products of our minds rather than actual risks. When I was an elementary school teacher in both Brooklyn and Gilbert (Arizona), most of my students confessed that they did not go outside alone, not even to a local park, because they were afraid of the unknown, especially of being kidnapped or harmed by a stranger. Their parents often convinced them that they would be more secure in their rooms where Stranger Danger levels are closer to zero. These children will grow into adults with these same fears. To protect ourselves, we create controlled, predictable environments that revolve around our screens. But the more time we spend here, the more socially awkward, isolated, and mistrustful we become. Real-life interactions feel daunting, leading to a cycle of avoidance and increased loneliness.
In extreme cases, this isolation manifests as hikikomori, a Japanese term describing severe social withdrawal. Individuals in this state may avoid all social contact for months, sometimes years, confined to their rooms in an effort to maintain complete control over their environment.
The Vicious Cycle of Loneliness
Without going to the extremes of hikikomori, this screen-centered life brings:
Lower self-esteem. (We feel like we are not capable or worthy of creating meaningful relationships away from our controlled environments.)
Higher levels of social distrust. (Whenever we fail at our attempts at creating social relationships, we become more suspicious of others and more attached to the safety of our controlled environment.)
Reduced patience and attention span. (A screen-centered existence allows us to make many connections in a short amount of time. This also results in increased impatience when things don’t turn out positively very quickly. We are less willing to give a potential relationship the required time to develop healthily as we have already moved on to the next.)
Diminished social skills. (When interacting with screens, we do not need to smile or react to expressive cues, so these skills start to fail. This social awkwardness transfers to face-to-face interactions, leaving both people feeling uncomfortable and alienated.)
Increased self-blame and shame. (We begin to feel that we are the problem when social interactions fail, leading to more isolation and loneliness. We may even create fictitious profiles, resulting in feelings of shame when we believe that the fake persona we created is more interesting than we are.)
Instead of meaningful interactions, we settle for superficial ones—likes, comments, and fleeting chats. Over time, these interactions erode our ability to trust others and ourselves, deepening the cycle of loneliness.
Breaking Free: Strategies to Combat Loneliness
If your loneliness stems from fear rather than clinical depression or anxiety, there’s hope for change. Here are some easy-to-do strategies that can help:
1. Keep Perspective: Remind yourself that others have faced greater struggles. You’re not living through war or famine, and you likely have a comfortable place to live and people who care about you. This “downward social comparison” can help keep your challenges in perspective.
2. Break the Ice: Smile at others and make eye contact. A simple smile can open doors to connection and brighten someone else’s day.
3. Engage in Small Talk: Compliment a cashier’s scarf, greet coworkers, or thank the barista. These low-stakes interactions build social confidence and foster positivity.
4. Help Others: Volunteer at a soup kitchen, library or community center. Helping those in need fosters a sense of belonging and purpose.
5. Step Out Solo: Take a walk, visit a park, or attend a local event. Simply being in settings with others, even without direct interaction, can make you feel less isolated.
Use Social Media Wisely
Let’s face it: abandoning social media isn’t realistic, so I'm not even going to go there. Instead, I recommend that you use it for inspiration. Watch motivational content, listen to uplifting podcasts, or explore TED Talks that offer useful life lessons.
Remember, social media is often programmed to make you feel inadequate and lonely. Platforms thrive on your clicks, and the more you scroll and click, the more money someone makes off your loneliness. Recognizing this allows you to take back control and use these tools on your terms.
At the End of the Day…
The overwhelming feeling of loneliness is not entirely your fault. It’s a byproduct of societal shifts, technological advancements, and even corporate greed. But the good news is that with small, intentional steps, you can reclaim your social confidence and combat isolation.
Dr. JeremyLeon's Final Thought
Start small! Put your phone down every now and again. Smile at a stranger. Sit alone in a park just enjoying nature and reflecting on how blessed you are. Take the first step toward rebuilding your connections and leaving loneliness behind. Remember that you are not alone in feeling this way, and there is a path forward!
Written by JeremyLeon
December 22, 2024
Word Count: 1,163
Reading Level: High Intermediate
Keywords: loneliness, social isolation, fear, social psychology
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